A few months ago I had a startling revelation. Maybe dating douche bags who have slept with a friend of mine or musicians with drug problems was not panning on the way I had hoped. And that maybe I should try a new approach to meeting men and maybe even enter into a “healthy relationship.” But where would I meet these employed, friendly guys who will avoid hitting on all of my friends while I’m standing right there? The same bar I’ve been attending regularly for the past three years? Probably not. Maybe while I’m shopping for fresh produce at the farmers market while seemingly looking like I just stepped off of a movie set? No, I usually go in sweatpants and barely brushed hair. At the dog park while I’m wearing a flattering summer dress as my dog manages to get loose and a dashing stranger rescues him and brings him back to me? No, I don’t go to dog parks because my dog is about as anti-social as I am. So I decided that my best course of action was online dating.
I did my due diligence in researching my options, I even tweeted Patti Stanger, although ultimately didn’t take her advice lol. And settled on Ok Cupid. It seemed to have an array of artistic, creative LA based men who were around my age. I answered the questions honestly. I tried to come off as witty, funny, and edgy. Three characteristics I think I embody. I uploaded flattering photos straight from my Facebook profile pictures album and took the leap into the online dating pool. What I didn’t expect was the insane amount of responses I got. Like my inbox was full within a few days and it holds 300 messages and about 1,000 views. I came to a few conclusions pretty instantly and realized it wasn’t much different than the men I come across in the my day to day life.
The first thing I noticed was there is an abundance of men just looking for sex. Not a surprise. But I got a shit ton of messages that were basically the equivalent of a guy driving by and screaming something sexually obscene at you out the window. When I ignored the message or politely declined, the response was generally the same as when I ignore a guy screaming sexually obscene things at me in person. They get angry and feel the need to then tell you off. And on a side note, I would love hear a story where that actually worked. I find it utterly shocking that guys are surprised by the fact that women don’t hop in their car as soon as they here “Hey slut come get on this dick!” And of course who are we to turn that down? Obviously if I’m not interested in a classy and well-articulated pick up line such as that I’m clearly a transsexual or a lesbian. Or at least according to the men driving by me while I’m walking my dog.
Another thing I was not surprised by was the amount of really genuinely weird introductions. Like the 31 year old who messaged me telling me was a virgin as his opener. Or the guy who asked if I would be interested in dating someone currently involved in organized crime who had been incarcerated on several occasions. Or the guy who would “allow me to come to his house any day.” Whaaat? You’d let me into your home even though we’ve never met?? Would you allow me to fix you a sandwich while wearing lingerie too?? I asked him that and he apparently didn’t get my sarcasm. Another guy messaged me and said, “Hi Elise,” I assumed he had confused me with someone else so I didn’t respond. (I probably respond to about 5% of the messages I receive honestly.) He then messaged me and said, “I know your name is probably not Elise but you look like an Elise.” I still didn’t respond. He then asked me what my actual name was. To which I finally asked him why the hell he called me Elise. And the response was the exact same answer I get whenever I ask any guy why they send me weird, strange, or creepy messages. Because, they either don’t get a lot of responses with a simple and friendly, “Hi, Nice to meet you.” Or they didn’t think I would respond to something so basic.
To the guys out there who may be avid online daters, I will let you in a secret. As long as you don’t say something offensive or disrespectful we will base our response on if we liked your page or not. So in the minds of these guys sending weird messages out, they weren’t getting responses because their introductions were too basic. It never even occurred to them that maybe girl’s just aren’t fucking interested. I know. Shocker! A girl isn’t into you. Impossible right? I just find it funny because if a guy doesn’t message me back online I think, “oh well he wasn’t interested in me. Move on.” Not, “OMG He must be gay! Or crazy. There’s NO way someone wasn’t interested in me.” I never get why guys are like that. I’ve been out with guy friends and seen them approach girls and get shot down and their response is always, “Yeah she was a bitch.” or “I thinks he was a lesbian.” Um….no she just wasn’t into you.
Now, I’m not saying that women never think the same thing. But the first thing every single one of my female friends has said after being dumped or turned down is, “Hmm. I guess he wasn’t into me.” And it’s perfectly acceptable. I have sent guys messages and never gotten a response. I seldom approach guys in real life because I’m shy. But I can accept the fact that not every guy in the world is attracted to me or finds me charming and awesome to hang out with. Weird right?! But I accept it. The world won’t stop turning. And I don’t lash out or try to make a guy feel like they should of never been born. I can say that several times I have had guys message me on said dating site and I simply don’t respond, not because I’m too good to or think I’m little Miss hotsy totsy, but because I don’t feel a need to. And then the same guy will send message after asking why I’m not replying and what’s wrong with me. And when I’ve simply stated that I don’t feel we are compatible they lash out on me. I’ve gotten the worst of the worst insults after a polite decline. I’ve been told I look like a man, I’m probably a tranny, I’m a whore, I’m an idiot, I’m a stuck up C U Next Tuesday. All because I politely said no thank you. But I’m a girl, who the hell do I think I am to not be into you? Never mind the fact that you’re fifteen years older than me, can’t formulate a proper sentence, and referenced my boobs in your first message. Ok. Maybe not all in the same message. But I still don’t understand why guys feel so emasculated when being turned down by a girl? Even in a polite manner. I had a guy try to pick me up on the street recently. While I was on a date…walking down the street…and my date was standing right there. And then I was the rude one for telling him I wasn’t interested. Seriously? What happened to respect?
One of my favorite experiences was when a reasonable good looking guy messaged me. He said I seemed cool and he wanted to introduce himself. Why not? I thought to myself. His profile wasn’t really filled out and he only had a couple of photos so I asked him to tell me a bit more about himself? Well according to him he, “was a veteran, had a steady job, good credit, and a hung cock.” His words not mine. He then followed it up with, “Come to think of it. I’m probably too good for your ass anyways. Fuck off.” Well not only was I astonished because why would you be that rude to a stranger but he messaged me first. And I have had a handful of similar situations occur. I’m convinced that people go on online dating sites solely to get out their weird psychological issues. He probably had a weird stigma about women or wanted to overpower them but couldn’t do it in real life so he resorted to telling off random strangers online. Sad really. I wished him luck with his psychological issues but he never wrote back.
I was hoping my experienced with online dating would help me to understand guys more. But I have concluded that it’s basically the same as meeting people in real life. Gross middle aged men will still try to pick you up even after saying several times you aren’t interested in someone twice your age. No one pays attention to what you actually say, they just look at your pics and say insulting things that they think are witty. Maybe it’s just me but I get a “To Catch a Predator” feeling when someone I don’t know tells me I’m sexy. Gross. You have to go through about 700 douche bags to meet three cool people. And you know that guy sitting next to you at the bar who keeps trying to strike up a conversation even though you’re turning your back to him to talk to your friend or consistently looking at your phone and can’t comprehend you don’t want to talk to him? There’s the equivalent of that in that weirdos message you ten times thinking you just accidentally skipped past their message. The first nine times. So overall if you’re looking to meet someone you wouldn’t normally meet then give it a go. If you’re like me and have a low tolerance for sexual comments from strangers or being called “babe” every five minutes then it isn’t for you. After my experience I’m not sure I’ll find my soul mate online. I mean I doubt Adam Levine is on match.com.